A caller, Christie, shares her story of a father who was largely absent after divorcing her mother when she was 12. He 'basically divorced me too,' she explains, leaving her to beg for his time. Now, years later, he's ill after a fall and has reached out for her help with paperwork and coordinating his care. Christie feels 'a little obligated' but also 'very resentful.'
Dr. Laura cuts straight to the heart of the matter: 'I don't think people get a pass on being crappy to other people just because they're old or sick. You're not obligated.'
She points out the fundamental flaw in the feeling of obligation. Christie's father wasn't there for her when she was a child who needed him; he didn't feel any obligation then. The current situation is not about a sudden rekindling of fatherly love, but a simple matter of need. 'He wants something because he needs something, and you're a sucker,' Dr. Laura says bluntly.
She reassures Christie that continuing to help is a personal choice, not a requirement. 'Don't be resentful about your own personal choice, dear. You don't have to make this choice.' This insight reframes the situation from one of begrudging duty to one of conscious, personal decision-making, which is a far more empowering position to be in.
Dr. Laura cuts straight to the heart of the matter: 'I don't think people get a pass on being crappy to other people just because they're old or sick. You're not obligated.'
She points out the fundamental flaw in the feeling of obligation. Christie's father wasn't there for her when she was a child who needed him; he didn't feel any obligation then. The current situation is not about a sudden rekindling of fatherly love, but a simple matter of need. 'He wants something because he needs something, and you're a sucker,' Dr. Laura says bluntly.
She reassures Christie that continuing to help is a personal choice, not a requirement. 'Don't be resentful about your own personal choice, dear. You don't have to make this choice.' This insight reframes the situation from one of begrudging duty to one of conscious, personal decision-making, which is a far more empowering position to be in.
I don't think people get a pass on being crappy to other people just because they're old or sick. You're not obligated.
Dad Action Plan:
- Re-evaluate your sense of obligation to a parent who was not there for you.
- Recognise that helping is a choice you make, not a duty you owe.
- Give yourself permission to step back from a relationship that has historically been one-sided and painful.
Source
Podcast: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
Episode: I Have a Bad Dad
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Timestamp: 00:01:27