Ever beat yourself up for feeling angry, anxious, or frustrated in a parenting moment? According to emotion expert Ethan Kross, you're focusing on the wrong thing. He makes a crucial distinction that can be liberating for dads.
**You can't control the activation of an emotion, but you can absolutely control its trajectory.**
Think about it this way: when someone cuts you off in traffic or your child spills paint on the new rug, that initial flash of anger is automatic. It's a primal, lightning-fast response. Trying to stop that initial spark is like trying to stop a sneeze mid-sneeze – mostly futile and a bit messy.
Where our power truly lies is in the moments that follow. Kross describes this as the 'playground' where we can intervene. Once that feeling is triggered, you become the pilot. You get to decide:
* **The Altitude:** Do you let this feeling soar into a full-blown rage?
* **The Duration:** Does this frustration last for five seconds or five hours?
* **The Destination:** Do you steer it towards a constructive conversation or a shouting match?
This is the essence of what Kross calls 'shifting'. It’s about becoming an expert at managing the emotion once it's arrived. This perspective shifts the goal from the impossible task of 'not feeling' to the achievable skill of 'feeling and then managing'. It’s an empowering change that gives you agency without demanding the impossible.
**You can't control the activation of an emotion, but you can absolutely control its trajectory.**
Think about it this way: when someone cuts you off in traffic or your child spills paint on the new rug, that initial flash of anger is automatic. It's a primal, lightning-fast response. Trying to stop that initial spark is like trying to stop a sneeze mid-sneeze – mostly futile and a bit messy.
Where our power truly lies is in the moments that follow. Kross describes this as the 'playground' where we can intervene. Once that feeling is triggered, you become the pilot. You get to decide:
* **The Altitude:** Do you let this feeling soar into a full-blown rage?
* **The Duration:** Does this frustration last for five seconds or five hours?
* **The Destination:** Do you steer it towards a constructive conversation or a shouting match?
This is the essence of what Kross calls 'shifting'. It’s about becoming an expert at managing the emotion once it's arrived. This perspective shifts the goal from the impossible task of 'not feeling' to the achievable skill of 'feeling and then managing'. It’s an empowering change that gives you agency without demanding the impossible.
You can't always control the emotion when it's activated, but once it becomes activated, you can control its trajectory.
Dad Action Plan:
- Stop trying to prevent initial emotional reactions; it's not how the brain works.
- Focus your energy on managing the emotion's duration and intensity after it appears.
- Recognise the moment an emotion is triggered as your cue to step in and 'pilot' it.
- Teach your kids this same principle: it's okay to feel angry, but what you do with that anger is what matters.
Source
Podcast: Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Raising Tweens & Teens
Episode: 229: Encore: The Science of Managing Emotions with Author Ethan Kross
Host: Dr. Lisa Damour, Reena Ninan
Timestamp: 00:17:52