When your kids are at each other's throats, the last thing you'd think to do is force them into a hug. Yet, that's exactly the advice from Justin Whitmel Earley, author and dad of four boys. He calls it the 'Brothers' Hug', a simple but profound habit of reconciliation.
Here's how it works:
1. **Acknowledge and Apologise:** After a fight, you steward the children towards apologising and forgiving each other. The words matter, as they lay the groundwork for what's next.
2. **The Reconciliation Hug:** Once words have been exchanged, you institute the hug. The rule is simple: "You've got to hold on until both of you start smiling again."
3. **From Awkward to Authentic:** What starts as an awkward, forced embrace almost inevitably dissolves into genuine laughter. It's a form of semi-wrestling that breaks the tension. As Earley puts it, "it moves their mind by moving their body."
The magic of this technique is that it's an embodied act of reconciliation. It's hard to stay furious with someone you're physically connected to, especially when the goal is to make each other laugh. It transforms a moment of conflict from a purely verbal (and often insincere) apology into a physical and emotional reconnection.
Earley notes that this isn't just for little ones. The principle applies to all relationships, including with our partners. After an argument, a simple act like holding hands, taking a walk, or giving a proper hug can bridge the emotional gap far quicker than words alone. It's about physically moving towards reconciliation, a powerful lesson for the whole family.
Here's how it works:
1. **Acknowledge and Apologise:** After a fight, you steward the children towards apologising and forgiving each other. The words matter, as they lay the groundwork for what's next.
2. **The Reconciliation Hug:** Once words have been exchanged, you institute the hug. The rule is simple: "You've got to hold on until both of you start smiling again."
3. **From Awkward to Authentic:** What starts as an awkward, forced embrace almost inevitably dissolves into genuine laughter. It's a form of semi-wrestling that breaks the tension. As Earley puts it, "it moves their mind by moving their body."
The magic of this technique is that it's an embodied act of reconciliation. It's hard to stay furious with someone you're physically connected to, especially when the goal is to make each other laugh. It transforms a moment of conflict from a purely verbal (and often insincere) apology into a physical and emotional reconnection.
Earley notes that this isn't just for little ones. The principle applies to all relationships, including with our partners. After an argument, a simple act like holding hands, taking a walk, or giving a proper hug can bridge the emotional gap far quicker than words alone. It's about physically moving towards reconciliation, a powerful lesson for the whole family.
It moves their mind by moving their body. And they started to play halfway through the hug, they started to smile. And that became a tradition in our family.
Dad Action Plan:
- After a sibling fight, guide them through apologies and forgiveness.
- Institute a 'reconciliation hug' where they have to hug until both are smiling.
- Use physical connection (hugs, holding hands) to help bridge emotional divides after arguments.
- Model this behaviour with your partner to show that reconciliation is an active, embodied process.
Source
Podcast: Raising Boys & Girls
Episode: Episode 291: Living in the Mess and Helping Siblings Get Along with Justin Whitmel Earley
Host: Sissy Goff, David Thomas
Timestamp: 00:21:55