For a highly sensitive child, the world can feel overwhelming. Their feelings are bigger, their reactions are stronger, and they look to us, their parents, to know if they're safe. This is where the 'captain of the ship' role comes in.
Parenting expert Susan Stiffelman explains that our single most helpful offering to a sensitive child is our **anchored, calm presence**.
Imagine your child is on a small boat in a raging storm of emotions. If the captain (that's you, dad) is running around panicking, yelling, and freaking out, what does that do to the passenger? It confirms their fear that the situation is out of control and they're going to sink.
But if the captain is calm, steady, and acknowledges the storm without being consumed by it, the passenger feels secure. The captain's calm presence communicates:
- 'Yes, this is a big storm (feeling), and it's scary.' (This validates their emotion.)
- 'But I've got this. I've sailed through storms before.' (This provides reassurance.)
- 'We are safe, and we will get through this together.' (This offers connection and security.)
**How to be the captain:**
1. **Regulate yourself first**: Before you can calm your child, you have to calm yourself. Take a deep breath. Notice your own heart rate. Remind yourself that this is a feeling, not an emergency.
2. **Validate their feeling**: Use simple, calm language. 'It looks like this feels like a lot right now.' or 'I see you're having a really big feeling.'
3. **Offer your presence, not solutions**: Simply being there and saying 'I'm right here' is often more powerful than trying to 'fix' the feeling. You're not trying to stop the storm; you're riding it out with them.
By embodying the 'captain of the ship', you're not just helping your child through a tough moment; you're teaching them, through your example, that big feelings are manageable and that they have a safe harbour in you.
Parenting expert Susan Stiffelman explains that our single most helpful offering to a sensitive child is our **anchored, calm presence**.
Imagine your child is on a small boat in a raging storm of emotions. If the captain (that's you, dad) is running around panicking, yelling, and freaking out, what does that do to the passenger? It confirms their fear that the situation is out of control and they're going to sink.
But if the captain is calm, steady, and acknowledges the storm without being consumed by it, the passenger feels secure. The captain's calm presence communicates:
- 'Yes, this is a big storm (feeling), and it's scary.' (This validates their emotion.)
- 'But I've got this. I've sailed through storms before.' (This provides reassurance.)
- 'We are safe, and we will get through this together.' (This offers connection and security.)
**How to be the captain:**
1. **Regulate yourself first**: Before you can calm your child, you have to calm yourself. Take a deep breath. Notice your own heart rate. Remind yourself that this is a feeling, not an emergency.
2. **Validate their feeling**: Use simple, calm language. 'It looks like this feels like a lot right now.' or 'I see you're having a really big feeling.'
3. **Offer your presence, not solutions**: Simply being there and saying 'I'm right here' is often more powerful than trying to 'fix' the feeling. You're not trying to stop the storm; you're riding it out with them.
By embodying the 'captain of the ship', you're not just helping your child through a tough moment; you're teaching them, through your example, that big feelings are manageable and that they have a safe harbour in you.
One of the most helpful things that we can offer our highly sensitive child is our anchored, calm presence. I call it being the captain of the ship.
Dad Action Plan:
- In the middle of a child's meltdown, consciously take a deep breath and lower the tone of your own voice.
- Instead of trying to problem-solve, simply narrate what you see: 'Your body looks really tight right now,' or 'That was a big disappointment.'
- Practice using the phrase 'I'm right here' as your go-to response to offer a sense of safety and presence.
Source
Podcast: Parenting Without Power Struggles
Episode: 3:31 Big Feelings, Tender Hearts: Supporting Sensitive Children
Host: Susan Stiffelman
Timestamp: 00:02:37